Why I can't date ugly men...

Last week, I was speaking to a friend and we were discussing my present dating dilemma - why I can't date ugly men.


Now, let me preface this by saying, my ugly may not be your ugly and vice versa. But most people know a person that is ugly to the general population - and I can't date that ugly mofukka! It doesn't matter how great his personality is, what he drives or how much money he makes! My friend believes that my way of thinking is shallow. She says that if I would bring my specifications down a notch, I may meet someone I really like. She's a pretty boy hater, but I LOVE the pretty boys. I like having the guys that can have any woman.

I understand that pretty boys come with a range of issues. They're usually very cocky and are used to having females cater to them (which is usually where we clash, I'm not a "cater to you" type of woman). Their arrogance is normally off the charts and they expect to receive more than they will give; they are used to getting their way because of their looks. But I just love looking at them and they usually want to be with me - but we never last (re: second sentence of this paragraph).

Now, I'm a very visual person. If you tell me a story, it runs through my head like a movie. I've always been this way- highly visual. When I am actively dating someone, I like to be able to look at him and get horny. I want to think "sex" whenever he smiles. Not because this is all he has to offer, but because I like having that basic carnal attraction. Therefore, I usually steer clear of ugly men. Grant it, their pesonalities are usually more appealing and they are more giving, but if I'm not physically attracted to you...Houston, we have a problem. And we really do have a problem in Houston because attractive men are in limited supply in all races and cultures (I check out everyone, lol).

But again, my friend believes that this is shallow. I say, why settle??? I refuse to believe that every man I find ridiculously attractive will be an arrogant jerk. I'd rather keep looking for a fine guy than settle on someone I find physically not appealing. What do you think?

A LITTLE ABOUT ME: R Kelly has nothing on me, I'm a flirt

I heart flirting.

I will flirt with you, lead you on, and...ignore your text messages and incoming calls.

I like to flirt, but that doesn't mean I want you.

Some people get this confused.

That is all. ;-)

Pseudo-relationships...I am a victim!

I am a victim of the pseudo-relationship. What is that, you ask? When male associates turn into homeboys, then friends, and then it morphs into you addressing him as "baby", giving him a little kitty and running errands for him just cause you had some time to do it. Basically, it's when you lie to yourself and start believing you have a man.

I went through this a few months ago. I was giving this guy a lot of phone time (and I HATE the phone), inviting him over, offering to cook, and buying new alphits before each of our meetings. We weren't official but I wasn't concerned because I believed we would be soon. But reality has a way of slapping you in the face and then laughing and pointing like a 1st grader. I finally realized what I had gotten myself into when I decided I needed something. Weeellll, I didn't need it, but I wanted it...and these days I'm all about spoiling myself. It just so happens that I didn't have the money to spoil myself with this particular item, so who did I ask, "my man". Who abruptly let me know that I was mistaking him for someone else. And he was right, I was. That's when I realized this wasn't a relationship at all, I had let this guy get to comfortable with me. He was getting food and access to the kitty for doing no more than...nothing, actually. I quickly had to catch a bus back to Realityville, I had obviously lost my mind and got derailed at some point. So now the pseudo-relationship no longer exist and he has been bumped down to "friend" status. He gets no more food, I'm to busy for errands, his kitty privileges have been revoked and he is only allowed to give me his money, he cannot spend mine. After completely flipping the script, I'm surprised he's still around. But everyone falls victim to the pseudo-relationship - its an epidemic.

To be or not to be CELIBATE - that is the question

So I haven't updated this blog forever, but a string of bad dating circumstances, bad sex, and ignorant men have caused me to agonize over a pretty crucial decision - celibacy. Theoretically, celibacy is the best solution for a single female who is concerned and informed about her health. But at the end of the day, this female is human, and sex is an everyday thought. However, I am leaning towards a celibate lifestyle until I find the right guy for me.

What happened, you ask? Not much actually.

One guy gave me 30 minutes of his time and left after he "came".

One guy insenuated that my kitty was open for business to anyone because I didn't answer his midnight text message (I was asleep! He's such a dumb fukk!) - and he's the one I really liked.

Another guy decided to quit talking to me so that he could put in work with my new homegirl. The funny part about that was I really didn't give a shit. All of us eventually went out for lunch together and he spent the whole time reminiscing about me! Way to get another woman dumbass!

But see, these types of things wouldn't bother me had I I kept my legs closed instead of letting these dudes have a taste. I need to spend more time learning the person. How much more time, you ask? How about months? I'm thinking 3 to be exact. The next man will need to put in a minimum of 3 months of hard work to touch the kitty. I have to make sure these people are on the up and up. Unfortunately that's not always full-proof either. I knew 2 out of 3 of the guys mentioned above before I got married. I was married for 5 years and never cheated. So knowing them did not make me immune from being treated any kind of way. So we shall see. Celibacy may be the best answer for me. So if anyone reads this...what do you think? Is celibacy a great idea?

NOTE: Do me a favor, don't get into the health and human services aspect of it all. Just think of it from a general dating stand point.

A LITTLE ABOUT ME: Disclaimer

I write a lot about my sexual activity and I'm very open about it. I STAY protected and know who I'm sleeping with. These activities are not back to back, week to week or even month to month. I don't want to get anyone twisted about who I am and what I do.

Some of the funniest shit that happens to me happens during sex or because of sex and I turn those memories into post. PLEASE believe that I'm not out there with anyone and everyone all the time, I just like to post these memories.

***In my best Ricky Ricardo voice...***
Now that's all the 'splainin' I'm going to do Lucy!

Handicap Hump

There are thousands of reasons why I should keep my legs closed - STDs, AIDS, unwanted pregnancy, to name a few. However, I discovered the most hilarious reason of them all a few weeks ago.

I was really feeling the personality of this guy and enjoyed any time that I spent with him. He wasn't the finest thing walking this earth, but he was cute enough and definitely smart enough (I LUVS an intelligent man). I knew after a while that I would let him touch the kitty and if the sex was good, we could move on to relationship territory.

Well, the time came a few weeks ago and let's just say, I haven't heard from him in a while. Sex is important to me ya'll. IM-POR-TANT! If its not good, we can be friends. But that usually doesn't bode well for many guys' egos, so we usually fall off once they realize its no more kitty for them. Same thing happened with him.

I have coined the phrase "Handicap Hump" in his honor. This dudes stroke was disabled. First, he's crooked. Not just crooked, bent-the-fuck-up! It looked like a banana. He was such a good kisser and stroker (I guess he HAS to be) that I didn't do the up close and personal look before it went down. Instead, I verified that the condom was on and went at it (and NO I couldn't tell during verification or I would have shut it down right there).

It did NOT go down. Dude was doing this handicap stroke that had him leanin' and rockin' and not in a good way. I save the leanin' and rockin for the club! I mean it was weird! I guess he has to guide the banana to hit the walls just right but it was ALL wrong. I was totally confused about what he was doing and did not understand why he kept trying to go deep and then to the side. I was like what the &^#(@*^??!!! This is NOT the business. I finally told him I needed something to drink just so he could get up naked and I could peep what was really going down. THAT'S WHEN I SAW IT. Eeeeewwwww!!! I felt SO bad cause I wanted to laugh. Then I wanted to curse. The expression on my face caused him to ask if I had ever seen a crooked one before. My initial reaction was "Hell no!" But since I'm a good natured person, I told him yes and allowed him entry one more time - still not the buisness.

I felt even worse because I knew I wouldn't see him much again. I did see him the next day to give him a second shot (hey, I liked him) but it was even worse. PLUS, there's nothing worse than a guy who isn't REMOTELY satisfying you wasting your time with a handicap hump and insecure stroke - dude was trying to hard. He ceased all communication even after I tried to be polite and let him know that he could still call but I'm sure his ego is bruised. I'm the worst at faking anything and I REFUSE to fake sexual satisfaction. It is what it is. Either you're blowing my back out or you suck. Dude sucked.

The funny thing is, I wasn't very freaked out by the banana. I've never seen a crooked dick and that shit was totally disformed. The most disappointing thing is that, had it been straight, I probably could have worked it. It was a decent size. Either way, I NEVER want to come in contact with a banana and a Handicap Hump EVER again. My legs are crossed and kitty is closed. Does anyone know where I can get a chastity belt?

A LITTLE ABOUT ME: Let them eat Kitty...

I heart oral sex.

I believe it's the best form of sex ever.

I'm selfish and I would rather receive than give.

I am currently working on my head technique.

I will only supply oral sex to my next long-term man or husband.

I will expect to receive oral sex from anyone I'm letting touch the kitty.

I told you I was selfish.