A LITTLE ABOUT ME: Disclaimer

I write a lot about my sexual activity and I'm very open about it. I STAY protected and know who I'm sleeping with. These activities are not back to back, week to week or even month to month. I don't want to get anyone twisted about who I am and what I do.

Some of the funniest shit that happens to me happens during sex or because of sex and I turn those memories into post. PLEASE believe that I'm not out there with anyone and everyone all the time, I just like to post these memories.

***In my best Ricky Ricardo voice...***
Now that's all the 'splainin' I'm going to do Lucy!

Handicap Hump

There are thousands of reasons why I should keep my legs closed - STDs, AIDS, unwanted pregnancy, to name a few. However, I discovered the most hilarious reason of them all a few weeks ago.

I was really feeling the personality of this guy and enjoyed any time that I spent with him. He wasn't the finest thing walking this earth, but he was cute enough and definitely smart enough (I LUVS an intelligent man). I knew after a while that I would let him touch the kitty and if the sex was good, we could move on to relationship territory.

Well, the time came a few weeks ago and let's just say, I haven't heard from him in a while. Sex is important to me ya'll. IM-POR-TANT! If its not good, we can be friends. But that usually doesn't bode well for many guys' egos, so we usually fall off once they realize its no more kitty for them. Same thing happened with him.

I have coined the phrase "Handicap Hump" in his honor. This dudes stroke was disabled. First, he's crooked. Not just crooked, bent-the-fuck-up! It looked like a banana. He was such a good kisser and stroker (I guess he HAS to be) that I didn't do the up close and personal look before it went down. Instead, I verified that the condom was on and went at it (and NO I couldn't tell during verification or I would have shut it down right there).

It did NOT go down. Dude was doing this handicap stroke that had him leanin' and rockin' and not in a good way. I save the leanin' and rockin for the club! I mean it was weird! I guess he has to guide the banana to hit the walls just right but it was ALL wrong. I was totally confused about what he was doing and did not understand why he kept trying to go deep and then to the side. I was like what the &^#(@*^??!!! This is NOT the business. I finally told him I needed something to drink just so he could get up naked and I could peep what was really going down. THAT'S WHEN I SAW IT. Eeeeewwwww!!! I felt SO bad cause I wanted to laugh. Then I wanted to curse. The expression on my face caused him to ask if I had ever seen a crooked one before. My initial reaction was "Hell no!" But since I'm a good natured person, I told him yes and allowed him entry one more time - still not the buisness.

I felt even worse because I knew I wouldn't see him much again. I did see him the next day to give him a second shot (hey, I liked him) but it was even worse. PLUS, there's nothing worse than a guy who isn't REMOTELY satisfying you wasting your time with a handicap hump and insecure stroke - dude was trying to hard. He ceased all communication even after I tried to be polite and let him know that he could still call but I'm sure his ego is bruised. I'm the worst at faking anything and I REFUSE to fake sexual satisfaction. It is what it is. Either you're blowing my back out or you suck. Dude sucked.

The funny thing is, I wasn't very freaked out by the banana. I've never seen a crooked dick and that shit was totally disformed. The most disappointing thing is that, had it been straight, I probably could have worked it. It was a decent size. Either way, I NEVER want to come in contact with a banana and a Handicap Hump EVER again. My legs are crossed and kitty is closed. Does anyone know where I can get a chastity belt?

A LITTLE ABOUT ME: Let them eat Kitty...

I heart oral sex.

I believe it's the best form of sex ever.

I'm selfish and I would rather receive than give.

I am currently working on my head technique.

I will only supply oral sex to my next long-term man or husband.

I will expect to receive oral sex from anyone I'm letting touch the kitty.

I told you I was selfish.

She wears underwear with dickholes in 'em

I've only done six posts before this one, but the common thread between them all is my love for men and a certain part of anatomy that God blessed them with. However, I was blog-surfing when I came across a blog by a gay guy. I thought to myself - "Gay guy, cool." But then I thought about my reaction had it been a lesbian - "Eeeewwww!" Now don't get me wrong, I have no problem with homosexuality. I'll totally vote in favor of them being married. As someone said before, they have the right to be miserable like everyone else. However, I have never been able to wrap my mind around lesbianism (not that I totally understand the guys either, but that's another post).

Sexually it makes no since (to me anyway). If they wanna fuck, they buy a strap-on. WTF? I mean, at least there are no surprises when it comes to length and width, but how does the one wearing the strap enjoy herself. She can't feel anything. Is it the since of power?

What about oral sex? I had a lesbian friend tell me that women do it better cause they know exactly what's going on down there and what feels good and what doesn't. I guess that's a valid argument, but I still can't get with it. The same friend also summed up why she became a lesbian after having a son and breaking up with her long term boyfriend - Women are more understanding and put you through less shit. Really? When is the last time you saw a group of women get along? Girl, stop.

I guess I'm wondering about this because I had a male friend ask me if I was bisexual. He felt like I had "tendencies" (his words not mine) because I am so willing to give other females a compliment. I tell two women that their attractive in his presence and all of a sudden he thinks I'm into carpet-munching. Uh, no. I don't even like to see me down there. That comment made me wonder why another woman would want a woman. Especially a man-woman or shim. I just don't get it, I find men soooo much more appealing. I love their build and their seemingly mildly retarded personalities. I don't want to deal with another female on the daily. Needless to say, said friend followed his comment up with a sexual advance involving a three-some with another woman. I just looked at him.

I guess I'll never understand homosexuality because I'm not one. I pass no judgement but I am rather confused. I'm not totally clueless about the desire, after all, I get more turned on watching lesbian porn than heterosexual porn, but in my everyday life I couldn't do it.

This was a random post, but whateva.

If you fuck him, he will cum...but will he stay?

I was talking to my most experienced friend earlier today. She's a pro at relationships, dating and sex. I'm a novice. I might as well have sexual Similac on my breath. I wanted to know if it was possible to get a man interested via sex and then turn sex into a relationship. She assured me that it was not possible and it is a really, really, bad idea if I am thinking of trying it. She said that I would only get my feelings hurt.

But I think I want to try it anyway. What can I say? I'm stubborn.

The guy in question is this sexy beast of a man that I know. He's about 6 ft, darker than dark chocolate with smooth skin and a great smile. His body is muscular and looking at him makes me wet. The worst part is that he is a well-mannered gentleman and will be attending med school in the Fall.

We went to high school together and I ran into him at a football game a few months ago. Have you ever met someone and the sexual energy was off the chain? When I'm around him ALL I can think of is sex. I try to ignore it and think of something else but it never works. It affects him too. When he talks to me he can never stay on the subject. Every conversation ends in sex. We'll talk about positions or possible places to pull an "Anytime, Anywhere" a la Janet Jackson. It got so sexually frustrating that I finally asked him one day if he was interested in just doing it with no strings attached. Of course, he was. But we never did. I couldn't. I'd make plans to, I'd say that I was on my way and sometimes I was already on the freeway when I changed my mind. I believed that I would never have the relationship I wanted if I just handed my kittykat to him. But eventually we fell off anyway.

I had no idea how to get him interested and last year I was dealing with serious self-esteem issues and slight depression. I wasn't being myself and couldn't keep anyone interested. Now that I have goals and plans and know what I want out of life and in a man - I don't know how to get him.

I recently had a raunchy dream about him after not thinking about him for months. I decided to send him a text message (and they are STILL the Devil) to let him know that I had a dream about him and wanted to see him again. He called back immediately and said that he wanted to see me that very same night. The weather was crazy so I declined. However, at least now I know that communication is still open between us. So how do I get him? I know that that crazy sexual tension will still be there. But I don't know if that's all he felt or if he wanted more also.

If I finally give him the kittykat, can I move towards a relationship, or is that setting myself up for failure as my friend told me? I really need help with this one, he's such a great catch.

I know that men love the kitty and it takes damn near no effort on a woman's part to make them cum. But can that make them stay?

Lloyd - Street Love

I HEART GOOD R & B.

Since Mary J. won't quit screaming, Usher is full of himself (although I like his music, I can't stand him), Jagged Edge's last CD sucked and Jodeci no longer exists, there isn't much to choose from. I'm an 80s baby and I believe we enjoyed the last of good R & B in the 90s. In the 90s, R Kelly's metaphors made a little more since, love-making music didn't have a a dance beat behind it, and performers - you must know the difference between performers and artist to get this- stuck to Pop music and didn't infiltrate anything else. I miss the 90s.

Anyway, now we're stuck in some evil experiment by the record labels to keep making us listen to shitty music and shitacular singers, whom I think they grow in a petri dish in the basement of Music World Entertainment- just below the wig crypt (re: C & D). And yes, I know that that was a run-on sentence.

But now there's Lloyd.

He's not the best singer. And he looks like Gonzo from the Muppet Babies (re: C & D). But damn it, I like him and his album!AND his tattoos and curly hair for that matter. It's hot.

Now, don't think that because I referenced the 90s at the beginning of the post that I think he is on par with those artist because he's not. But he's all I got this week and I like it. The production is good, the lyrics are not lame like some people *cough* Beyonce *cough*, and I can dance or fuck to it depending on the given situation. So if you are itching for some decent (albeit somewhat Poppish) R & B music, you should get his CD.

Dudes should have Dick ID cards

First, let me say that my post will be shorter...I was informed by an acquaintance, and I quote, "No one wants to read alllllll that shit." So, I'm going to teach myself to keep it nice and sweet.

Moving on...

I believe that men should carry dick ID cards. Think about it ladies. How many times have you been totally engaged with a man's personality, with crazy sexual tension between the two of you, only to be sorely disgusted and disappointed when he whips his lil' man out and its the size of a vienna? Had he had the proper documentation to begin with, you would have known what he was working with and whether or not you can work him. Now this card would not be solely for seeking a well-endowed man, every woman doesn't want or need all that. But after a few rounds in the ring, most women know what size they want. I like them thick, long and pretty. If you've never seen a pretty dick, you don't know what I mean. Pretty dicks are not odd, they have smooth skin, are circumcised, straight NOT crooked, same color as the guys body - hey, I really take a look at these things. It's gotta be nice. But I truly believe that size matters, a small one can do NOTHING for me and I'm sick of thinking somebody has it all when they don't. I hate liking someone who turns out to have a small lil' man - shit ruins EVERYTHING for me. Some may say I'm a bit misguided but I know what I like. I take everything into consideration including personality, employment, education, etc., but we're talking dicks here.

Anyway, a dick ID card complete with a picture, length (when erect), and width statistcs would make all the difference in the world. Now if I could only find the correct government agency to pitch it to. Maybe the CDC will find a use for it. Hmmmm....

DAMN it was good and I want some more!

I have a young friend. Actually, more like an associate. I'm 23 and he will be 21 in a few weeks. I met him last year and I have entertained myself by flirting with him via text message (again, text messages are the Devil - at least when I'm involved). He goes to school in LA and visits my hometown about once a month. He's always been a gentleman and is super nice but I never could get around the age thing. I know its only a three year difference, but I know how I was three years ago and my maturity level is way higher than it was then. Anyway, I alluded to the possibility of him getting some for a while, primarily cause it was fun to have someone flirt with me. He would try to see me every time he visited and I would politely decline or find some way out of it. He would still check on me and send a message on a regular basis and stayed sweet.

My only complaint has been his age. After all, he's tall, attractive, polite, sweet, in school, and has never showed me a side of him that I didn't like. But I think my obsession with his age eventually turned him off a bit and instead of the "pursuing you" mode, he moved on to the "friend" mode when dealing with me.

Anyway, I decided to see him the next time he came to town and that happened sooner than later. He sent me a message last week to let me know that he was in town. I told him that I had plans for the weekend and would call him when I could see him. He thought it was my usual blow off but I decided to go see him before my plans. When I arrived at his house, he was in full gentleman mode, hugging me and telling me I looked nice. He mentioned something about a shower and I playfully asked if I could watch. Why did I do that? He called me out about it and had me go upstairs to do exactly that. I went into the restroom in full "I'm grown and you're not" mode and watched him undress. This dude made me blush. He had it, a LOT of it, if you know what I mean. All of a sudden he wasn't young and he wasn't sweet - he was just sexy as hell and I wanted him. We kissed, we hugged and we couldn't do anything because of feminine reasons.

DAMN. DAMN. DAMN.

He completely manned up (def. "to man up": get a swagger about yourself, get confident all of a sudden, get crunk, etc..) on me. I was shocked. Dude was making me hot and driving me nuts and I couldn't get at him the way I wanted to. I hadn't felt that way in a loooooonnnnngggg time. Eventually we had to stop and I told him that I would see him again before he left, hopefully.

Anyway, a few day later the feminine issue came to an end and I called him to finish where we left off. The sex was soooooo good and all I could do was go to sleep afterwards. He had a look of satisfaction on his face and just HAD to say, "that's how the young men do it." Whateva.

I can't believe I slept on dick that good for an entire year! And I don't know if I'll ever get a taste of it again.

DAMN. DAMN. DAMN.

I don't think our relationship will change though. We're associates and it will probably stay that way. But it will take a serious amount of control for me to stay off of him from now on. And the possibility of me ever missing another one of his visits is slim to none. I know I sound sprung, but DAMN it was good and I want some more!

Dumb Nigga Shit

Now, before someone passes by and complains about my use of the word Nigga, let me first say this - I don't give a shit about complaints. And second, I use the word as it is defined in the dictionary - my dictionary:

NIGGA (ni-ga)
a dumb or ignorant person (usually a black dude in my world);

that being said, I shall move on...

I know this dude who is totally on some dumb nigga shit when it comes to dealing with me, and I'm finally cutting that shit short. Basically, I knew dude back in the day, waaaay back in the day, when we were 10 and 11 years old. He was handsome, shy, sweet and when we were in high school we were good friends. I spent a lot of nights talking to him until three in the morning. We never dated and never slept together. Anyway, after my graduation (he was a year ahead of me) we moved on to our separate lives and I didn't see him for almost five years. I ran into him after me and hubby split up. Dude was extremely attractive and initially came across as that same nice guy that I grew up with. But time changes people, and for the sake of this post not being super long, I'll jump ahead a bit....

I ran into him in December 2005, things happened in 2006 and now it's 2007.

I kicked dude out of my life in January because he is a tease, somewhat dishonest, to damn mysterious, and has never been real with me since we've gotten recaquainted. I told him I was interested in him, and instead of saying the feeling was not mutual, he led me on for a very, very, very long time. In January, I asked him to kick rocks and quit calling me (although he only called twice a month at that point). I told him that I didn't want to hear from him or think about him anymore.

Niggas change, niggas change.

So I see dude at the club and ignore him. He doesn't speak to me, I don't speak to him. It's all over - until he calls me a week later inviting me to a party. I politely say no. Then he invites me somewhere else - no, again. Especially, since he has a history of standing me up. I guess he decided to ease his way back into my life via text messages (and I think text messages are the Devil, by the way). All of a sudden I have his phone number (which I never had in 2006) and he's text messaging me damn near everyday - total disregard of the "kick rocks" message I gave his ass in January. I decided to go along with his new found communication skills, thinking to myself, "He's not so bad, I'm no longer interested, we were friends once, etc, etc, etc..." He begins flirting and I begin falling for it ALLLLLL over again.

Now see, he's good for pretending to play the, "I'm your man" role, when he's not your man. He's not even interested. He's just jealous and doesn't like to see or hear about you with someone else. So he'll flirt. He'll ask you out. He'll call you. And when you fall for it - he doesn't know your name and the nigga disappears. He's on some DUMB NIGGA SHIT.

So, as I was saying, I began to fall for it again. I went out with my homegirl to the movies on a Friday, and received his daily text. He asked where I was and I replied with the truth - the movies with my friend. All of a sudden, he's pissed off that "I'm on a date" although he told me that same week that he "loves me but doesn't want to be with me," which I took lightly, cause frankly, I don't give a shit anymore. Anywho, he was so mad that I honestly thought he was attempting to be humorous. He refused to talk to me and didn't answer my texts for the next two days. I finally had to catch myself and see this for the good that it was - he wasn't talking to me again. Yay! Anyway, we had a "date" scheduled for that Sunday and I did not hear from him. I didn't send him anything Monday either. I received a message on Tuesday asking how my weekend was and told him that it was great - cause it really was. I asked how his went and his was "GREAT!" I also asked why he asked to see me and then disappeared - he replied with "It just happend that way. Sorry!"

Really? It just happened that way, huh? Dumb nigga shit.

So I've decided that he picked an argument on Friday so he could do something else Sunday.

Real immature.

So I haven't said much to him via text or otherwise. I plan on doing what my friends and I call "fade to black". Basically, that's when we start ignoring calls and responses to text messages, if any, are short, sweet, blunt, and unapologetic. I want to see how he's going to act. I sort of feel bad cause now I see him for how he is and he's not so great. He's conceited and stays on some dumb nigga shit.

I just hate that I was stuck on stupid over his ass for the short amount of time that it lasted - which wasn't very long cause we were never in a relationship.

Booooooniggaboooooo!

This Shit Sucks!

So, I totally miss being married. Shhhh...don't tell anyone, especially HIM (the husband in question). I'm learning a lot about men, dating and relationships and would probably be the world's best wife these days. However, I don't think it would work with my ex...he and I have...uh... to many issues...

Anyway, there are a few things I miss that I don't get as a single person...

I don't get to spend someone else's money, I don't get a warm body next to me at night, I don't get good, dependable, safe, thoroughly tested dick (and my ex was damn good in that department), I don't get to go out with someone I know (instead I get dates with "crazies" as I like to call them), I don't get to take care of anyone (never thought I'd miss that), I don't get to be around someone familiar (i.e. someone whose personality/moods I know and can deal with).

I know that you can experience those things with someone new, I mean, it's not the greatest list in the world. Anyone can sleep next to you at night and get on your nerves on a regular basis, but I guess what I miss is being close to someone. Although, to my credit, I've been missing that for a while cause me and the hubby were not close, we were barely friends, hence the reason we're not together.

I mean I've loved and been loved but I would like the full platter, instead of the appetizer. That means I want someone I can be with comfortably. Does that make sense? I would like someone who I'm comfortable with at all times. Someone who I can enjoy and confide in without feeling embarrassed or afraid of what they will think or say.

In the immortal words of LL Cool J...I need love.

Here I go again...

So here's the deal...this is like my fourth time starting a blog. Yeah, yeah, I know...so why start another one? But this time around I'm working with a couple of my favorite topics...love, sex and music. I would have added chocolate but I can't come up with too many posts based on that. Anyway, this blog is about just that - love, sex and music. I love all three, I can't help it. But more than that, it's about realtionships and the trouble I'm having getting over a failed marriage and dating again. But this isn't any "How Stella Got Her Groove Back" shit. I'm a bit unique, I got married at the age of 18, and my husband and I split officially at the age of 23. So I'm new to the dating scene, and I never really got any dick before him. So everything is new to me. I've been driving my friends crazy with my dating and sex complaints so I'm creating this place to vent.

I'm going to cover some crazy shit, and I'm pretty blunt, so take it how you want it. Let's see, I'll go over bad sex, little dicks (that's about the same as bad sex), dating with children, not dating at all, relationship issues, ex-husband but still legally married issues, crazy men, crazy dating, good sex, big dicks (that's NOT the same as good sex), and a bunch of other relationship luv/sex shit.

On the lighter side, I'll also throw in a few posts about music and other stuff that catches my attention - can't bitch about relationships non-stop, come on now - give me some credit.

Anywho, I hope anybody reading this will enjoy it, feel it, relate to it and all that good shit. Please DO NOT HESITATE to post a comment. I love blogs and my FAVORITE thing to do is read the comments. So please feel free to comment, haters included.