A LITTLE ABOUT ME: Disclaimer

I write a lot about my sexual activity and I'm very open about it. I STAY protected and know who I'm sleeping with. These activities are not back to back, week to week or even month to month. I don't want to get anyone twisted about who I am and what I do.

Some of the funniest shit that happens to me happens during sex or because of sex and I turn those memories into post. PLEASE believe that I'm not out there with anyone and everyone all the time, I just like to post these memories.

***In my best Ricky Ricardo voice...***
Now that's all the 'splainin' I'm going to do Lucy!

Handicap Hump

There are thousands of reasons why I should keep my legs closed - STDs, AIDS, unwanted pregnancy, to name a few. However, I discovered the most hilarious reason of them all a few weeks ago.

I was really feeling the personality of this guy and enjoyed any time that I spent with him. He wasn't the finest thing walking this earth, but he was cute enough and definitely smart enough (I LUVS an intelligent man). I knew after a while that I would let him touch the kitty and if the sex was good, we could move on to relationship territory.

Well, the time came a few weeks ago and let's just say, I haven't heard from him in a while. Sex is important to me ya'll. IM-POR-TANT! If its not good, we can be friends. But that usually doesn't bode well for many guys' egos, so we usually fall off once they realize its no more kitty for them. Same thing happened with him.

I have coined the phrase "Handicap Hump" in his honor. This dudes stroke was disabled. First, he's crooked. Not just crooked, bent-the-fuck-up! It looked like a banana. He was such a good kisser and stroker (I guess he HAS to be) that I didn't do the up close and personal look before it went down. Instead, I verified that the condom was on and went at it (and NO I couldn't tell during verification or I would have shut it down right there).

It did NOT go down. Dude was doing this handicap stroke that had him leanin' and rockin' and not in a good way. I save the leanin' and rockin for the club! I mean it was weird! I guess he has to guide the banana to hit the walls just right but it was ALL wrong. I was totally confused about what he was doing and did not understand why he kept trying to go deep and then to the side. I was like what the &^#(@*^??!!! This is NOT the business. I finally told him I needed something to drink just so he could get up naked and I could peep what was really going down. THAT'S WHEN I SAW IT. Eeeeewwwww!!! I felt SO bad cause I wanted to laugh. Then I wanted to curse. The expression on my face caused him to ask if I had ever seen a crooked one before. My initial reaction was "Hell no!" But since I'm a good natured person, I told him yes and allowed him entry one more time - still not the buisness.

I felt even worse because I knew I wouldn't see him much again. I did see him the next day to give him a second shot (hey, I liked him) but it was even worse. PLUS, there's nothing worse than a guy who isn't REMOTELY satisfying you wasting your time with a handicap hump and insecure stroke - dude was trying to hard. He ceased all communication even after I tried to be polite and let him know that he could still call but I'm sure his ego is bruised. I'm the worst at faking anything and I REFUSE to fake sexual satisfaction. It is what it is. Either you're blowing my back out or you suck. Dude sucked.

The funny thing is, I wasn't very freaked out by the banana. I've never seen a crooked dick and that shit was totally disformed. The most disappointing thing is that, had it been straight, I probably could have worked it. It was a decent size. Either way, I NEVER want to come in contact with a banana and a Handicap Hump EVER again. My legs are crossed and kitty is closed. Does anyone know where I can get a chastity belt?

A LITTLE ABOUT ME: Let them eat Kitty...

I heart oral sex.

I believe it's the best form of sex ever.

I'm selfish and I would rather receive than give.

I am currently working on my head technique.

I will only supply oral sex to my next long-term man or husband.

I will expect to receive oral sex from anyone I'm letting touch the kitty.

I told you I was selfish.

She wears underwear with dickholes in 'em

I've only done six posts before this one, but the common thread between them all is my love for men and a certain part of anatomy that God blessed them with. However, I was blog-surfing when I came across a blog by a gay guy. I thought to myself - "Gay guy, cool." But then I thought about my reaction had it been a lesbian - "Eeeewwww!" Now don't get me wrong, I have no problem with homosexuality. I'll totally vote in favor of them being married. As someone said before, they have the right to be miserable like everyone else. However, I have never been able to wrap my mind around lesbianism (not that I totally understand the guys either, but that's another post).

Sexually it makes no since (to me anyway). If they wanna fuck, they buy a strap-on. WTF? I mean, at least there are no surprises when it comes to length and width, but how does the one wearing the strap enjoy herself. She can't feel anything. Is it the since of power?

What about oral sex? I had a lesbian friend tell me that women do it better cause they know exactly what's going on down there and what feels good and what doesn't. I guess that's a valid argument, but I still can't get with it. The same friend also summed up why she became a lesbian after having a son and breaking up with her long term boyfriend - Women are more understanding and put you through less shit. Really? When is the last time you saw a group of women get along? Girl, stop.

I guess I'm wondering about this because I had a male friend ask me if I was bisexual. He felt like I had "tendencies" (his words not mine) because I am so willing to give other females a compliment. I tell two women that their attractive in his presence and all of a sudden he thinks I'm into carpet-munching. Uh, no. I don't even like to see me down there. That comment made me wonder why another woman would want a woman. Especially a man-woman or shim. I just don't get it, I find men soooo much more appealing. I love their build and their seemingly mildly retarded personalities. I don't want to deal with another female on the daily. Needless to say, said friend followed his comment up with a sexual advance involving a three-some with another woman. I just looked at him.

I guess I'll never understand homosexuality because I'm not one. I pass no judgement but I am rather confused. I'm not totally clueless about the desire, after all, I get more turned on watching lesbian porn than heterosexual porn, but in my everyday life I couldn't do it.

This was a random post, but whateva.

If you fuck him, he will cum...but will he stay?

I was talking to my most experienced friend earlier today. She's a pro at relationships, dating and sex. I'm a novice. I might as well have sexual Similac on my breath. I wanted to know if it was possible to get a man interested via sex and then turn sex into a relationship. She assured me that it was not possible and it is a really, really, bad idea if I am thinking of trying it. She said that I would only get my feelings hurt.

But I think I want to try it anyway. What can I say? I'm stubborn.

The guy in question is this sexy beast of a man that I know. He's about 6 ft, darker than dark chocolate with smooth skin and a great smile. His body is muscular and looking at him makes me wet. The worst part is that he is a well-mannered gentleman and will be attending med school in the Fall.

We went to high school together and I ran into him at a football game a few months ago. Have you ever met someone and the sexual energy was off the chain? When I'm around him ALL I can think of is sex. I try to ignore it and think of something else but it never works. It affects him too. When he talks to me he can never stay on the subject. Every conversation ends in sex. We'll talk about positions or possible places to pull an "Anytime, Anywhere" a la Janet Jackson. It got so sexually frustrating that I finally asked him one day if he was interested in just doing it with no strings attached. Of course, he was. But we never did. I couldn't. I'd make plans to, I'd say that I was on my way and sometimes I was already on the freeway when I changed my mind. I believed that I would never have the relationship I wanted if I just handed my kittykat to him. But eventually we fell off anyway.

I had no idea how to get him interested and last year I was dealing with serious self-esteem issues and slight depression. I wasn't being myself and couldn't keep anyone interested. Now that I have goals and plans and know what I want out of life and in a man - I don't know how to get him.

I recently had a raunchy dream about him after not thinking about him for months. I decided to send him a text message (and they are STILL the Devil) to let him know that I had a dream about him and wanted to see him again. He called back immediately and said that he wanted to see me that very same night. The weather was crazy so I declined. However, at least now I know that communication is still open between us. So how do I get him? I know that that crazy sexual tension will still be there. But I don't know if that's all he felt or if he wanted more also.

If I finally give him the kittykat, can I move towards a relationship, or is that setting myself up for failure as my friend told me? I really need help with this one, he's such a great catch.

I know that men love the kitty and it takes damn near no effort on a woman's part to make them cum. But can that make them stay?

Lloyd - Street Love

I HEART GOOD R & B.

Since Mary J. won't quit screaming, Usher is full of himself (although I like his music, I can't stand him), Jagged Edge's last CD sucked and Jodeci no longer exists, there isn't much to choose from. I'm an 80s baby and I believe we enjoyed the last of good R & B in the 90s. In the 90s, R Kelly's metaphors made a little more since, love-making music didn't have a a dance beat behind it, and performers - you must know the difference between performers and artist to get this- stuck to Pop music and didn't infiltrate anything else. I miss the 90s.

Anyway, now we're stuck in some evil experiment by the record labels to keep making us listen to shitty music and shitacular singers, whom I think they grow in a petri dish in the basement of Music World Entertainment- just below the wig crypt (re: C & D). And yes, I know that that was a run-on sentence.

But now there's Lloyd.

He's not the best singer. And he looks like Gonzo from the Muppet Babies (re: C & D). But damn it, I like him and his album!AND his tattoos and curly hair for that matter. It's hot.

Now, don't think that because I referenced the 90s at the beginning of the post that I think he is on par with those artist because he's not. But he's all I got this week and I like it. The production is good, the lyrics are not lame like some people *cough* Beyonce *cough*, and I can dance or fuck to it depending on the given situation. So if you are itching for some decent (albeit somewhat Poppish) R & B music, you should get his CD.

Dudes should have Dick ID cards

First, let me say that my post will be shorter...I was informed by an acquaintance, and I quote, "No one wants to read alllllll that shit." So, I'm going to teach myself to keep it nice and sweet.

Moving on...

I believe that men should carry dick ID cards. Think about it ladies. How many times have you been totally engaged with a man's personality, with crazy sexual tension between the two of you, only to be sorely disgusted and disappointed when he whips his lil' man out and its the size of a vienna? Had he had the proper documentation to begin with, you would have known what he was working with and whether or not you can work him. Now this card would not be solely for seeking a well-endowed man, every woman doesn't want or need all that. But after a few rounds in the ring, most women know what size they want. I like them thick, long and pretty. If you've never seen a pretty dick, you don't know what I mean. Pretty dicks are not odd, they have smooth skin, are circumcised, straight NOT crooked, same color as the guys body - hey, I really take a look at these things. It's gotta be nice. But I truly believe that size matters, a small one can do NOTHING for me and I'm sick of thinking somebody has it all when they don't. I hate liking someone who turns out to have a small lil' man - shit ruins EVERYTHING for me. Some may say I'm a bit misguided but I know what I like. I take everything into consideration including personality, employment, education, etc., but we're talking dicks here.

Anyway, a dick ID card complete with a picture, length (when erect), and width statistcs would make all the difference in the world. Now if I could only find the correct government agency to pitch it to. Maybe the CDC will find a use for it. Hmmmm....