There are thousands of reasons why I should keep my legs closed - STDs, AIDS, unwanted pregnancy, to name a few. However, I discovered the most hilarious reason of them all a few weeks ago.
I was really feeling the personality of this guy and enjoyed any time that I spent with him. He wasn't the finest thing walking this earth, but he was cute enough and definitely smart enough (I LUVS an intelligent man). I knew after a while that I would let him touch the kitty and if the sex was good, we could move on to relationship territory.
Well, the time came a few weeks ago and let's just say, I haven't heard from him in a while. Sex is important to me ya'll. IM-POR-TANT! If its not good, we can be friends. But that usually doesn't bode well for many guys' egos, so we usually fall off once they realize its no more kitty for them. Same thing happened with him.
I have coined the phrase "Handicap Hump" in his honor. This dudes stroke was disabled. First, he's crooked. Not just crooked, bent-the-fuck-up! It looked like a banana. He was such a good kisser and stroker (I guess he HAS to be) that I didn't do the up close and personal look before it went down. Instead, I verified that the condom was on and went at it (and NO I couldn't tell during verification or I would have shut it down right there).
It did NOT go down. Dude was doing this handicap stroke that had him leanin' and rockin' and not in a good way. I save the leanin' and rockin for the club! I mean it was weird! I guess he has to guide the banana to hit the walls just right but it was ALL wrong. I was totally confused about what he was doing and did not understand why he kept trying to go deep and then to the side. I was like what the &^#(@*^??!!! This is NOT the business. I finally told him I needed something to drink just so he could get up naked and I could peep what was really going down. THAT'S WHEN I SAW IT. Eeeeewwwww!!! I felt SO bad cause I wanted to laugh. Then I wanted to curse. The expression on my face caused him to ask if I had ever seen a crooked one before. My initial reaction was "Hell no!" But since I'm a good natured person, I told him yes and allowed him entry one more time - still not the buisness.
I was really feeling the personality of this guy and enjoyed any time that I spent with him. He wasn't the finest thing walking this earth, but he was cute enough and definitely smart enough (I LUVS an intelligent man). I knew after a while that I would let him touch the kitty and if the sex was good, we could move on to relationship territory.Well, the time came a few weeks ago and let's just say, I haven't heard from him in a while. Sex is important to me ya'll. IM-POR-TANT! If its not good, we can be friends. But that usually doesn't bode well for many guys' egos, so we usually fall off once they realize its no more kitty for them. Same thing happened with him.
I have coined the phrase "Handicap Hump" in his honor. This dudes stroke was disabled. First, he's crooked. Not just crooked, bent-the-fuck-up! It looked like a banana. He was such a good kisser and stroker (I guess he HAS to be) that I didn't do the up close and personal look before it went down. Instead, I verified that the condom was on and went at it (and NO I couldn't tell during verification or I would have shut it down right there).
It did NOT go down. Dude was doing this handicap stroke that had him leanin' and rockin' and not in a good way. I save the leanin' and rockin for the club! I mean it was weird! I guess he has to guide the banana to hit the walls just right but it was ALL wrong. I was totally confused about what he was doing and did not understand why he kept trying to go deep and then to the side. I was like what the &^#(@*^??!!! This is NOT the business. I finally told him I needed something to drink just so he could get up naked and I could peep what was really going down. THAT'S WHEN I SAW IT. Eeeeewwwww!!! I felt SO bad cause I wanted to laugh. Then I wanted to curse. The expression on my face caused him to ask if I had ever seen a crooked one before. My initial reaction was "Hell no!" But since I'm a good natured person, I told him yes and allowed him entry one more time - still not the buisness.
I felt even worse because I knew I wouldn't see him much again. I did see him the next day to give him a second shot (hey, I liked him) but it was even worse. PLUS, there's nothing worse than a guy who isn't REMOTELY satisfying you wasting your time with a handicap hump and insecure stroke - dude was trying to hard. He ceased all communication even after I tried to be polite and let him know that he could still call but I'm sure his ego is bruised. I'm the worst at faking anything and I REFUSE to fake sexual satisfaction. It is what it is. Either you're blowing my back out or you suck. Dude sucked.
The funny thing is, I wasn't very freaked out by the banana. I've never seen a crooked dick and that shit was totally disformed. The most disappointing thing is that, had it been straight, I probably could have worked it. It was a decent size. Either way, I NEVER want to come in contact with a banana and a Handicap Hump EVER again. My legs are crossed and kitty is closed. Does anyone know where I can get a chastity belt?
The funny thing is, I wasn't very freaked out by the banana. I've never seen a crooked dick and that shit was totally disformed. The most disappointing thing is that, had it been straight, I probably could have worked it. It was a decent size. Either way, I NEVER want to come in contact with a banana and a Handicap Hump EVER again. My legs are crossed and kitty is closed. Does anyone know where I can get a chastity belt?
1 comment:
there is no room for misinterpretation with you is there?
you're something else
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